Broken
by sassyjayhasltead
Summary: Story based on Jay and his past in general and how he will tried to help a veteran of war without going down the tube with him. There will be PTSD and some drama. Also this is a Linstead story. Hope you will like it.
1. So close no matter how far

**_Hi guys, here's the new story and I'm very excited about it. _**

**_So just a little precision for you about the timeline, it's take place several months after the final. So Erin and Severide are together and Burgess and Ruzek to. This story is centered about Jay but it's also a linstead story. It will talk about Jay's past, and what I think happened during his childhood and his life before he became a cop, his military time. _****_Last thing there will be some angst and jealousy. _**

**_I'm not gonna bother more, I hope you will enjoy this new story. :)_**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Chapter one : So far no matter how close<em>**

She was happy, he could see it on her face, heard it on her laugh that echoes in the room. But unfortunately he wasn't the one who make her feel this way. It was Kelly Severide, the fireman. Her boyfriend. The man who was standing next to her, his arm resting on her shoulders. Whatever how many times Jay though to himself _"I'm already a broken man, how can watching this could break me more ?"_ watching them hurt him deeply. It hurt him more than he could imagine more than he could ever tell.

He clearly missed his chance with her, and he hated himself for that every day. How could he even have to be agree with all this professional thing. He wanted her, he wanted to taste her lips, tell her how madly he was about her. Erin Lindsay was driving him crazy. Not because he's mad at her, but because he don't want them to be just friend. He wanted more, and this desire is consume him more and more every day.

"You should stop, you began to be obvious." A female voice prompted him softly. Jay casually turn his head to face the woman who was talking to him, Burgess was standing in front of him holding a beer on his hand. She sat in silence next to him, avoiding the look he gave her. "You should stop." She repeated.

"You already said that."

"I know but you don't seems to understand. I mean she's with Severide and seems pretty happy for me, you should maybe just let go. There are plenty of others women who would love to share your bed."

Halstead look at her raising his eyebrow a little surprise by her words. She was maybe right, but it didn't make him any better. He wanted to be with her, and be her friend isn't longer enough now. When he looks at her, his eyes usually go down to her lips and he could tell that he was pretty lucky because she didn't seems to notice. Or maybe she did, after all this tension between them is still here and always have been. Since the day they first met to today, even if it wasn't the same now Jay could still feel this attraction, this sexual tension take place between them.

He couldn't help but think about what the fireman has more than him. This question remind with no answers. Maybe Erin just like the fact the he wasn't her partner or she maybe simply like him for what he is. However he could bet that she never told him about his childhood. It's maybe what made him feel better. He was glad to be this special person for her, glad that she could confide in him, glad to be in her small circle of trust.

"What does he have more than me ?" He whispered to himself not wanting Burgess to heard him.

"You want to talk about it ?"

A slight laugh escaped his lips. There was nothing to say. How he could talk about his feeling for Erin to Burgess knowing that the two were close friends now. And after all he wasn't good at talking about feelings.

"How Ruzek' doing ?" He suddenly asked.

"He...he...I...I don't know. I mean I hadn't seend him since forever." She stuttered, caught off guard by the question.

"You're a poor liar Burgess." He smirked, but Jay quickly removed the smile on his lips. Watching at Erin and her fireman broke him more than he could say, he should have leave, he shouldn't even had come tonight knowing that the fireman would be there. He didn't even understand why he stayed here, why he keeps hurting himself at watching them. It was pathetic, he was pathetic. It's why he decided to leave. He took his jacket leaving the bar without saying anything to his young coworker. His hands on his pocket, he walk in the street wondering if things could have been different, if he could have done differently.

"Halstead." He voice echoed in the silence of the night and turn his back to see who was talking to him.

"Erin."

"I think it's yours." She said handing him his keys, he took them whispering a slight "thanks" "Hey why you didn't join us early ? Is everything alright ?"

"Yeah, I'm just...just little tired." He was laying, and he knows that she will not buy this but.

"Are you avoiding me ?" She asked him seriously.

He had to admit he didn't expect her to say that. He definitely loose the ability of lying. He remember that before no one was asking for more than he said. He did lie or fake that everything was alright for a long moment. And he was just a kid at the time, which is not anymore, his a adult, a man who promise himself to let not to let anyone hurt him anymore, and today he hurt himself at watching Erin with her fireman. Or maybe she just saw it in his eyes, maybe Erin was able to read on him like a open book.

"Hey you know what ? We could have a beer and watch this show...Brooklyn nine nine." She said with a smile on her lips. "It's hilarious, you would love it. What do you say ?"

"You sure your fireman will be ok with that ?"

"Kelly don't dictate my life, I do what I want, and if I want to hang with then I would." She answer avoiding the fact that once again he called her boyfriend fireman. "I'm a free woman Jay, I do what I want, and I want to spend time with you, we barely don't see each other after work."

"Ok. I bring beer you paid pay for pizza."

"I didn't say we're gonna eat pizza." She smiled, punching his arm.

A smile appeared on his lips when he notice how much he missed that. He missed the see her smiling because he said something funny, he miss her, their banter, he miss her laugh. He missed everything about her. But what's make him feel bad is that even when they're together he miss her. Maybe it's not really her. Jay Halstead miss the time when they were flirting together, when they were always at each other place, drinking a couple of beer while watching TV. But since the firehouse lost one of their own, one of Kelly's friend, Erin has mostly past her free time with him. Which what Jay understand, and totally respect but a night at Molly's without her isn't the same. It's not the same when she's not around. They are close but at the same time so far from each other, and no matter how badly Jay wanted them to be more than just friend, for the moment he wanted just one thing, to not feel this strange feelings that lives inside him. Being far to each other no matter how close they are. It's weird but so damned true.

"I will see you tomorrow."

* * *

><p>"How you doing man ?" Jay ask Antonio as he saw him walking to the break room.<p>

"I sign the papers for the divorce tomorrow. You know, I never thought it would end like that, I basically see my kids once a week now."

Jay watch his coworker disappear in the break room. For a moment, he forget all of his problem and think about how bad Antonio was. His wife left him and didn't let see him his own childrens. He couldn't even imagine how he felt, and after all he can't. He don't know what Dawson live, he is on in his head plus he don't talk about that so often what Jay understand.

"How is he doing ?" A female voice called him out. He didn't have to face her to know it was Erin. He could recognize her among hundreds of other. There is something special with her voice, something that makes him shiver every time he hear it.

"What do you expect ? I mean his wife left him and doesn't let him see the kids." He replied looking at her.

"What a..." He smile when he noticed that she didn't finish her sentence. "You know what I mean. So are we still ok for tonight ?" She glance at Voight's office while talking.

"Of course."

"Halstead there's someone downstairs who ask to see you." Atwater told him.

* * *

><p>As the minutes he saw this blonde hair he instantly knows that was her. A smile appear on his lips as he made his way to her. He watched her turn her face to him as they eyes met for the first time since a while ago now. She hadn't change.<p>

"Allie ?" Jay asked, surprised. "What are you doing here ?" He said as he huge her tight. He could say he was happy to see her even if his mind was still concerned with Lindsay.

"I thought it would be good to going back to Chicago for my mom's birthday." She smile. "So..."

"I will bring her something, it's tomorrow right ?"

"Yeah. You can came after work."

He smile at her and bring her close to him. He watch her left the district a little confuse. Erin was always in his mind, she didn't leave his though during the days and know he ex-girlfriend came back. What did she wanted ? But the most important is maybe what he wanted. And for the moment Jay desire someone who's already taking.

"Halstead ?" He heard the voice of his partner. "Who's she ?" Erin asked gently as she get in the car.

"A very special friend." He replied as he saw her facial expression changing. It was something he never saw before.

"Oh yeah." Was the only thing she managed to say. When she saw them arms in arms in the district she felt a strange feeling invade her body. And she know that she shouldn't feel this way, she shouldn't feel those things for her partner, she's with Kelly and Jay his free to date anybody he want. However it's how she felt.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Don't hate me for bring Allie here. I think it was a good way to make Lindsay jealous. Anyway how did you find this chapter ? Tell what you like or don't like. I have plenty others idea for this story and I hope you like this first chapter.<strong>_


	2. Never shall I fail my comrades

_**Here we go, I finally post the chapter five. I'm really sorry for the late. I wanted to thank you all for the review, that's mean a lot for me really. **_

_**I hope you will enjoy this chapter. :)**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter two :<strong>_ **_Never shall I fail my comrades._**

"A special friend ? On what is she so special ?" Erin asked him, breaking the silence that had taken place between them with her eyes focus on the road.

Once again there was something strange on her voice. Something he heard some minutes ago when she ask who was the girl with him. However he didn't know how to describe it. Was it jealousy or just his mind. He glance at her with a smile on his face as he remind how Allie always been there for him. The time when they were in high-school or when he came back from Afghanistan, but unfortunately he pushed her away. He pushed everyone away, even his older sister that ended up leaving. Leaving him alone when he needed someone to lean on.

"She's always been there for me. She was there when I'm came back from Afghanistan, and always been there even if I often pushed her away at the time."

"You confide in her ?"

"About my time in the military, no, never. To be honest I never really told anyone about that. It's still hard. But I told her about some things that happened." He finished, his eyes lost somewhere.

"Like what ?" As he was about to replied with something like _"How__'s__ your fireman doing ?"_ A man appear in the middle of the road, forcing Erin to slow down the car and stop on the sidewalk. "He's crazy." She yelled as she get out of the car to face the man who was screaming. Jay follow Erin who was trying to resonate the man, it's at this moment that he realize he was homeless since about a year maybe more. He was about fifty, maybe more, he couldn't tell. As he didn't calm down Jay pinned the man to the hood of the car.

"Gun." He said as he hand the gun to Lindsay. When he was about to handcuff the homeless man something stop him. He notice a tattoo on his left arms, it didn't take him to long to realize it was a ranger tattoo. This guy was a ranger. He was a soldier like him and his a veteran like him. He serve his country like he did, but everyone left him. At this moment Jay decide to follow his heart and not handcuff him.

"What the fuck are you doing ?" He heard his partner yelling at him.

"He was a ranger." His voice was only a whispered and he wasn't even sure if she heard him. For about a minute he found himself lost in his mind knowing that he could have end like him. In the street without anyone. He was close to but hopefully the Corson's family, Allie and his sister didn't turn their back to him. "I'm not gonna handcuff you alright, but we have to take to the district."

"You were a ranger?" The guy suddenly ask with a unnatural rough voice ravaged by alcohol and cigarettes. He could still smell alcohol on his breath. Just by one look he knows this man lost everything, he could see it in his eyes. He was despaired and alone.

"Yes sir. I serve in Afghanistan, and you ranger ?"

"Gulf war, and Afghanistan to I did five tour."

Halstead nodded quickly at the veteran and held out his hand. The man take a few seconds before he finally shook his hand carefully. They make their way back to the district in silence. Lindsay didn't dare saying something and in the other hand Jay wasn't able to talk, he slowly become dumb.

* * *

><p>"If you ever need anything call me." Jay said as he hand him his card but the man didn't move, he seat on the chair like Erin told him watching at him with a confuse look maybe wondering why he wanted to help as many of people didn't. "We both serve this country brother. We fought for this country and I never let one of my own behind me. And I never will. I know it's hard to came back home, I know it's hard when your friend and family let you down, but you have another family. And this one will never let you down."<p>

He let the card on the chair next to him and whispered _"Never shall I fail my comrades."_ and they both left the district in silence. Jay feel a heavy weight on his shoulders of leaving one of his own behind him, but he hadn't the choice. He can't help him, if he doesn't although he clearly need help. Everyone could see it but everyone close their eyes. For them he's just another guy sleeping in the street, drinking all day and the reason doesn't matter. Yet this man, who he ignore the name, give everything for this country but no one cares.

* * *

><p>After a long day they were all about to go home. They were all in the locker room changing their cloths and putting their guns and badges in their locker.<p>

Burgess was talking with Erin but this one wasn't really attentive her glance were focuses on her partner, looking him with a sort of admiration in her eyes. After today and what happened with the homeless man, this veteran she could tell that Jay Halstead has a big heart and she was lucky to have him has a partner and as a friend.

"You still not go get the pizza ? You know I'm starving."

"I was waiting for you dick."

"Your hurt my feelings." He said placing a hand on his heart, then he feel a hand on his shoulder and reach his head to see who it was.

"Hey kid, knows that I respect what you did today. I didn't know you have such a big heart." Alvin told him with a soft voice as always and left them. A small smile appear on his lips. "I'm gonna grab a pack of six and I see you at your place."

"Yeah."

He needed this night, he needed to spent some time with Erin for a casual night, just watching TV, drinking beer and eating pizza and talk a little little. Actually he wanted to be with her, really with her. Not like the other day, when they just sat next to each other without talking. He didn't even know why he stop himself, it's not because of the fireman so what is it ? Voight or is it just him who respect the professional thing ?

"Halstead my office." He jumped as he heard the raspy voice of his boss calling him.

"Is there a problem serge ?" He replied as he enter in his office.

"I heard about what you did for this man today. You're a great police Halstead but your also a great man, a man of value and I respect that I can say that...I'm glad to have you in my unit." He finish briefly posing his hand on his shoulder. Jay was surprise and touched by what he just heard, a compliment from Hank Voight is really rare even if it was the second time that Voight told him something like that. "Just don't turn this into a habits I know..."

"With all my respect sergeant, you don't know anything. You don't know how hard is it to came back home. It's hard for us and for the family to. And sometimes...they just go away, they turn their back to you because it's easy." He cut him off.

"They turn their back to you ?" Voight ask him leaning on his desk arms cross on his chest.

"Everyone turn their back on me, even you." He yelled referring to the time when he was suspect of murder and know one help him. "We are a family ? Really ? Are you sure about that ? Because I'm not..."

"Don't push me kid."

"No, don't push me." This time, his voice was calm but still a little husky. Tight jaw he glance at his boss with a look that say everything. His eyes were reflecting the anger that he tried to bury deep inside him since a long time ago. "You said we are a family and that we have each other back but you didn't do anything for me when they suspect me. Tell me why ?" He ask but didn't wait for any answer. "I thought about it. The night he rape and kill Ben...I wanted to kill him and I was so close." Right now he was saying the exact same words he said to Antonio when he give him the file. "This close." He raise his voice showing his finger nearly touching. He vigorously shook his head trying to forget the picture of the small body of Ben Corson. It wasn't easy, he couldn't remember his smile. Every time he saw his face, he saw his dead body. Jay glance over Voight and leave the district without saying a words.

* * *

><p>"Who was I talking to for ten minutes ?" Erin said looking over her partner who wasn't listening at her. He didn't even know what she was talking about, he was lost in his mind. "So..you alright ?"<p>

"Yeah...I'm good."

Lindsay slowly put her legs on the couch as she past her hand through her hair and move her all body to face him. Jay stare and during a few seconds he forget about everything.

"I...respect what you did today. I mean I help a junkie...Nadia...and I was like her before...I'm not saying you were like this guy but most that...I understand what you did today. And I can just admire you for that...for what you are. I'm glad to have you as a partner...and as a friend." The last word stay stuck in his throat, he wanted more.

"You know...I was a real mess when I came home to. I push everyone away and they just watching me fall. You know what's suck the most ? The one who leave you are the one who said they will always be there for you."

"Well." She start pressing a hands on his shoulder. When I say I will always be there for you...I will. If you fall Jay, I will be there to catch you. Always." At the end her voice was only a whispered that he can barely heard. A small smile appeared on his lips but slowly disappears as he remember how many his sister told him that no matter what she will always be standing by his side. But she leave, she leave her younger brother when he needed her the most. If Jay Halstead is still a part of this world today it's because of one person. Allie Corson. No matter how hard he push her away she never turn her back from him. After tree episode of Brooklyn nine nine Jay felt the tiredness coming to him and he slowly close his eyes and fall a sleep.

"Do you have a tattoo like this guy ?" She glance at her and notice that he was asleep. She smile at herself looking at her sleepy partner. "Sleep well Ranger." She whispered not waiting to waking up.

* * *

><p><strong><em>What are you though about this chapter ?<em> _Tell in the review what you like or didn't like and maybe what you want to see._**

**_So don't forget to leave a review guys. :)_**


	3. Always

**_Here the chapter three. So I don't know if some of you read that would maybe stop writing this story, anyway I will continue it and it will mostly about Jay trying to help this veteran without having problems. My new story is more about his family PTSD (like this one) and his past. _**

**_Anyway I hope you will enjoy it._**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Chapter three<em>**

Erin Lindsay watched her partner sleep with a small smile on her lips. For about five or ten minutes she just stayed there, her eyes focused on Jay, listening to his quiet breathing. After a few minutes she eventually covered him with a blanket and laid next to him. She didn't sleep in her bed this night, she fell a sleep on her couch, her head resting on her partner's shoulder. She wakes up in the middle of the night alone. It was dark, it take her a minutes to her eyes get used to the darkness. She pass her hand on her face and through her hair wondering where Jay was. Did he leave ? When she turned her head to the balcony she noticed a man. He was there, leaning against the ramp of her balcony. She stared at him doing nothing but watching at the sky, at least it what she think he did. Maybe he just have some trouble to sleep, maybe yesterday remind him his time in the army. At this moment Lindsay realize one thing, she didn't know anything about his military time or his childhood. All she knows is that he was in the army and then he become a cop.

"Did I wake you ?" The voice of her partner made her jump. "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's ok you didn't wake me, I was just wondering what you were doing in the middle of the night outside. Is it about yesterday, with the veteran ?" She risked to ask.

He shook his head and sat next to her in silence. If Jay wanted to be honest with her he would tell her that he have sleeping problems since he's a kid, since his mother death, and that and it got worse every time he came back from Afghanistan. But tonight it wasn't because of the pictures of war that haunt him it was more about the people that left him, the one that watch him fall without doing anything, the one that turn their back to him.

"I have one sister and one brother they are nearly ten years older than me, when we were kids. My sister Amanda use to told me that no matter what, she will always be there for me." He turn to face Erin. "When I came back from Afghanistan...I push her away every time she tried to help me. After two months, she left. God knows how much I needed her, but she left me and let me deal with...everything. The woman you saw at the district yesterday, she's the older sister of Ben Corson. Her family and Allie were always there for me. She was standing by my side in high school, she was the one that who hold my hand when I confided in her about my father and my mother, she was the one that healed my wounds when I got into fights and it was really often. And even after breaking her heart when I told her I was joining the army, she was the one who reached out to me. She help me to get through this, she always did. No matter how hard I push her away she always came back to me as my sister just let go, I was a lost cause for her. And I hate her so much for that." He finished, looking down passing his hand through his hair. Then he felt Erin holding his hand, she had a small smile on her lips.

"If you fall I will be there to catch you." Jay smiled as he notice that it was the exact same words she use yesterday.

As much as she wanted to ask him about his brother because he barely mention him she didn't.

"Always." He finished her sentence."

"Always partner."

It didn't take him to long to fall asleep after that. Erin wonder if all Jay needed after all was to be reassured knowing that he can count on someone. And she promise herself to not make the same mistake than when her partner was suspect of murder, now no matter what, she will standing by his side, even if he don't want like this Allie did in the past.

* * *

><p>Hands joined, head down, eyes closed, all Jay Halstead could think was about the phone call he just had. How he was supposed to help him ? He offered him his card but he didn't even know how he can help this veteran. Maybe they could just talk. Jay knows how hard is it to talk about war with someone who didn't lived war, because there isn't this look in their eyes that he can saw in his brothers or sisters's eyes that serve with him. The others will never know how it feel, and the horrible for a former solder is when they said "I understand" when they clearly don't.<p>

"Everything alright ?" A female voice made him jump, not waiting anyone to be here, and surely not Burgess. "Sorry, I wanted to talk to Voight."

"He's not here yet." Jay simply replied without even looking at her.

"Is it about Erin again ?"

"The world doesn't spin around Erin, Burgess."

"So what is it about ?"She said seating on his desk. His left his eyes brown wondering what she was doing. He was ready to said something rude but he didn't. After all she just wanted to know what was wrong. "Come one Halstead, what is it, it's about the guy from yesterday ?"

"He just called me. I give him my card but I don't even know how I can help him." He was mostly talking to himself, he totally forgot he wasn't alone.

"You just have to listen. I think it's all you have to do. Listening to him, and maybe put you hand on his shoulder and make him feel like he's not alone. Sometimes, it's comforting to have someone who just listens to you. And I'm pretty sure that when you came back from war, it's what you wanted."

Jay reached his head to his coworker, a little surprised. He didn't expect her to say that. Actually he didn't expect her to be there or to ever give him advice. He couldn't help but wondering if things would have been different if he talk about war to Allie or anyone.

"Thanks for the advice...I mean it really but...but Voight is not here for the moment and I think he would like to talk to me first." He told her referring to the "fight" he had with him last night. After a few minutes he turned on his computer and like everyday morning check is mails. One of them caught his attention more than the others. It was from his father. Jay didn't even tried to understand why he wanted to contact him and he just deleted the message, not wanting to know if it was important or not. To be honest, he didn't care at all, he suffered to much because of him in the past.

"You're such a bit.." He stopped in his sentence when he saw Nadia and his partner walking to their respective desk.

"What is it ?" Erin ask him seating on his desk.

As he was about to answer the most simple way he understand that lying to her wasn't the right thing to. "It's just...my sister"

"And..." She start but stop herself when she caught her partner looks. Erin could see in his eyes that he didn't want to talk about it for the moment. "Anyway what are you doing tonight ?"

"I have something sorry."

"With your special friend ?" She asked him taking a sip of his coffee. "So it's a date?"

Jay didn't even find the time to say anything that he heard the rough voice of his boss calling him. He breathed loudly as he got up and walked in Voight's office. When he close his sergeant close the door behind him and face him he knew in the second it will eventually end bad.

* * *

><p><strong><em>So how did you find this chapter ?<em>**


End file.
